whats in my heart

I am so thankful I'm a MOM, being able to bring a little life into this world is the greatest accomplishment I have ever had. I love the first time I get to hold my brand new baby, their smell, the touch of their warm skin on my skin, the little noise they make, there is nothing more humbling. With every baby I have had its the same warm feeling, its like I am holding a piece of Heaven in my arms. I spend days even weeks staring at them in awe, feeling so very blessed to be the mom of this tiny little person. I love how they need me, how they depend on me for food, warmth, dry diapers and just needing me to love them.
Through the years they sadly grow up and become less and less dependent of me, I look at Jaden right now and he sits contended on the couch watching tv. He is old enough now that he can take care of himself totally, it saddens me to see how fast he has grown up. He is no longer that tiny little 4 lb 14 oz baby boy that came into this world in such a hurry. He is now 14 1/2 years old and has changed so much even in the past year that it breaks my heart to know that I will only have him in my home for a mere 3 years.
I really don't think when you are 20 and have a baby that you realize how fast time really does fly by. I remember encouraging both him and Tanner  and Brinlyn to talk and walk at young ages in life. How fun it was to watch them reach each mile stone and thinking to myself how fun next year would be when they would be another year older. Now I am in my 30's I look at life a bit differently, I now slow down on my wishing each year by. I notice that with both Rylan and Paisyn that I have not encouraged them to walk early as babies, instead I found myself on the floor with them just taking in every movement they would make. Hoping time would freeze and I could just smell the baby goodness of them both.
Rylan was like having a first baby all over again because of my older three being the ages they were had all reached that age in life where they could do a lot of thing on their own and didn't need me as much. They were all potty trained and slept through the night and if they needed a drink or food they could get something their selves. So it was fun to send them off to school and just rock her all morning long, I enjoyed having a little one in my arms again, it felt oh so good! I just feel that since I was older I had learned to not rush things but to just sit and enjoy the moment. I am so glad I did because little did I know that before Rylan even had her first birthday I would be pregnant with her baby sister Paisyn :). I enjoyed my Rylan all to myself for 19 months and then she had to share her mom with baby Paisyn. Now with two babies as I call it I am busy but I love it. I still find myself just living the moment, its ok I don't feel bad at all about it. Because before I know it they too will be old and not need me as much, but right now they do need me and I love it.
I love how Paisyn will come and get my finger and walk me into the kitchen to have me get something for her. I love how Rylan needs me to help put her shoes on. I love how these two babies still need their mommy just as much as I need them. And even if my older 3 kids don't think they need me all the time I know they do :) I know that even teenagers like their moms :) I love my 5 beautiful kids, they make me happy and feel my heart with the most perfect love.
Being a mom is the most precious gift I have ever been given, and I couldn't have done it with out my sweet Travis. I love being your wife just as much!
Love Love Love my special little family!!!

Love, MOM

Boys will be boys

Yes, this is random but its the only one I have of Jaden and Travis lately. I know nice "rear" view of Trav :) haha This was Travis's Elk he killed on the Beaver last fall and he was pretty excited to mount it and hang it in our house. Jaden helped him and as you can see it wasn't the funnest of tasks!

Puppies

We try and breed our two dogs once a year to get a litter of puppies to sell, its so fun for our kids to get to see how tiny pups can be at birth and then watch them grow and play. We then save the money and use it for Christmas, it seems to work very well. This is our litter for this year and sadly they are all sold and gone, but here are a few pics of the kids enjoying them.

Tanner going with me to take this little girl to Levan to meet up with her new owners, goodbyes are always bitter sweet.

Brinlyn getting some loves in.

Rylan Playing with this little guy so much that she moved and I didn't notice how blurry this picture was.

They were all so cute and fun!

( I have noticed how I never have any pictures of Jaden, well its because he doesn't like me to take his picture and hides his face every time I try! Crazy teenager :))

My little Rascals

I will just start off with these two, I think this picture shows just how FUN they are! I went into their room that morning and found them both in Paisyn's crib having the time of their lives. Notice the photos on the wall had even been played with haha :o) And Paisyn is always sticking out her cute little tongue I LOVE THESE GIRLS!

Rylan LOVES to dress up and play/dance, she always has on some type of dress up  through out the day and this day she even let Paisyn wear her princess crown. They really are starting to enjoy each other and play nice together, I sure enjoy spending my day with them both.

Crown, Binki and Toys makes one happy Paisyn :o)

This is my little dancer! To say Rylan loves to dance would be an understatement, this girl has moves and grooves that shame even the best of dancers ! We spend our days watching Tangled and Dancing! :)

And this is my blog and I can put this on here if I want too :) I think its cute!! I had taken off both of their night time diapers, went in to get them new ones, came back and this is what I found. My two angels, playing with a toy and their cute little bums looking back at me.

Easter

I like Easter, its always nice to have nice weather and be able to go out and enjoy a family get to gather. I will admit that I viewed this holiday as just a holiday a few year ago, only thinking about the egg hunts and candy etc. Now I have a different view, its one that reminds me of our Savior and how we all can be reunited again even after death. I guess it takes one to grow up and understand the true meaning of Easter, to really grasp all that this holiday is about. It makes missing my sister a little less hard, I wait for the day that I will be able to see and talk to her once again :)

  The kids had a great time coloring their eggs this year. Everyone colored their own eggs except for Paisyn, she had a nap instead. I didn't get very many pictures taken and here is why, Rylan drank the colored water, or she was dropping her eggs everywhere and cracking them or even dipping her chips in the colored water. So ya I had to sit right by her and help! Ahhh but she loved it all and that really is what matter the most :)

Brinlyn showing off her pretty eggs, she has been so sick the past to weeks with pneumonia that I must admit its so very nice to have her on the mends! Jaden, I am not sure what he is doing lol

 Rylan found this bear down at the City Easter Egg Hunt this morning. As you can see she is so happy with her find!

Sadly that is all the pictures I have as of now but I will try and get some of them rolling them and our Jensen family picnic that is tomorrow! Can't wait :)

MIA

Yes, Its been awhile since I posted. I was going to try and keep up but as you can see that is not working out like I had planned. I need to post our Christmas (when I get time) but just to sum it up fast we had a very nice Christmas. Kids were extra good and Santa brought us lots of goodies......
So our month of January flew by, I had my birthday on the 3rd it was a nice day and kids were so cute to be nice to me that day :) Brinlyn turned the big 7 on the 9th and we had her a family party and she got a new bike from us. She had a very fun time ( I will post more on that one also)....
Okay, so really what we had been doing in basketball, basketball and yes more basketball!! Holy cow its hard to have two boys on two different teams for the main fact that you are always running in two different directions! So really that's the main reason right there that there has been no posts, (yes, I know lame excuse but I'm sticking with it) . haha
So really I will get on here and post our oh so cute selves on Christmas morning and Brinlyn's birthday I will soon for my own sake :)

Four Years Today......

I can't believe that its already been four years today. Four years that I heard her voice, four years that I touched her warm skin, four years that I have been with out her. I guess I look at Janice as being more of a second mom to me then just a big sister. She made a lot of memories with me, ones that I will cherish forever! I must say Christmas this year was better for me to enjoy than the past few. I tend to get to sad this time of year and have a hard time letting myself get into the Christmas spirit, but this year was better. I enjoyed putting in our tree and decorating the house. I enjoyed the excitement of our kids and I enjoyed celebrating our Savior because of him I can see my sister again :)

Four years ago on Dec. 28, 2007 was a Friday, I had to work at Stans and so I had taken up all three kids for my mom to help me with. Janice was home trying to recover from being so sick and being in the Dixie Hospital for a week prior to Christmas. She was still sleeping when I had dropped of the kids so I didn't get to see her until I got off work at 6 that night. I remember walking into my moms house and the kids telling me how their day had gone. Brinlyn only 2 1/2 at the time was very happy to tell me that her and Janice had washed grandma's dishes for her. She loved her "Janie" and they had played blocks and Janice had watched the boys play all day as well. I asked my mom where Janice was and she said she was asleep because she spent most of the day with the kids. I told her that I wanted to show her a picture that Travis had taken of a cougar but not to wake her that I could show her another day. My mom insisted on waking her (boy am I ever glad she did) and went in and got her up. Janice walked in, I remember she looked weak and a bit puffy but I was just happy to see her and didn't think much of it. We sat by each other and I showed her the picture and we talked for a bit. The last thing I remember is that we both stood up and I hugged her and whispered in her ear that I loved her and kissed her warm cheek. Little did I know that would be the last time I would ever get to do that. We left to go home......

Through the night Janice got very sick and started throwing up and so my mom and her spent the night together in the two rocking chairs in my moms living room. My mom said they held hands and just relaxed, that morning my mom got up and was picking things up in the kitchen leaving Janice to sleep in the chair. After a while she went in to check on her and could see that things were not right with he at all, she called for my dad and they called at the store for my brother Derrin. He got there and took her out of the chair and started CPR, they called 911 and that was the last time Janice would ever be home.

I was home busy picking up my kitchen when my phone rang, I looked at the ID and seen it was Derrin's house. I remember thinking to myself before I answered that I know it wasn't my Saturday to work so I wonder what Derrin wanted. I said hello and when Derrin's voice was herd a feeling come over me and I knew something was wrong. I don't remember word for word that was said but I know I didn't even let him get out much before I asked him what was wrong with Janice. His voice cracked and he told me that she was in the ambulance being taken to Panguitch. My heart sank and he told me I needed to get up there and help calm Shana down and that he and my mom were on their way to go be with her at the hospital. I hung up the phone and sat there on the floor below my sink and held my head in my hands and cried. I got a hold of myself gathered up my kids took them up to Travis's mom and headed to Circleville. I drove way to fast but my mind was not thinking about anything other than getting to my moms.

I walked into the back door of my moms and as I entered into the living room and seen the furniture that the EMT's had moved around to get her out of the house. It hit me...... she was gone..... I knew it...... I didn't need anyone to call me up and tell me I felt it... It was a empty feeling that come across me, my heart slowed and I stood there just in silence staring out the big window of my moms. (I have never told many about this moment in my life but I want to just journal it for my own reasons.) I felt right then, that I wasn't alone in that room, there was a strong spirit it was very familiar and I had a calmness come over me. I spoke out loud and said Grandma J? ( my dads mom who had passed away in 2001) My heart then had a very warm feeling fill it. This moment didn't last long, but it did last long enough for me to understand that my Grandma J had come to call my big sister home.

I looked around and didn't want my mom or anyone else to see the mess that was left behind from that morning. So I quickly moved things back to their place, scrubbed the carpet where Janice and thrown up and started the laundry that had her vomit all over it. Then I left to go pick up Shana that was over to Derrin's house. When I got there Shana asked me if I thought Janice would be ok. I just told her that we should go back to mom's and that we could say a prayer for Janice. When we got back to my moms we sat there on the couch and hugged and talked for a minute. I already knew that at some point we would get "the call" so I just felt like I needed to calm Shana as much as possible and in some way prepare her for what I knew already in my heart. It was around 11:30 or so when Derrin called, I talked to him and he did tell me that Janice had passed away, my heart still dropped with him just confirming what I already knew. I held Shana in my arms and we both cried, it was a hard day to know that Janice was gone that she was never coming home and all we had left were the memories.

The day was a long one after my mom and dad got home, and reality sank in for us all. Lots of tears were shed and the mortuary had called and needed her obituary wrote by morning so they could get it into the paper. It was A LOT to take on! I was so very grateful for all the people that had brought us food and called to express their love, it was so nice because honestly, you kind of forget to eat after something like this happens. I was glad when Travis finally made it to my moms, I was trying so hard to be a rock for everyone else that I kind of needed him to be my rock at some point. That night we all sat down as a family and talked about a few things but not much was a definite on what we wanted to plan funeral wise, I think we were all still in a state of shock and really couldn't process it all yet. That night after Travis and I got home and we had told our kids and cried again. I got to thinking and could not sleep at all. So I sat at the computer for dang near the entire night writing Janice's obituary and looking at our wedding pictures of her and so I picked out this picture for her obituary.

And this for her newspaper obituary. I called my mom that morning and her and Derrin seemed to like what I had come up with. And my mom and decided that she wanted to talk at her funeral so things had started to fall into place. Which in a way comforts you to know that you are doing one last thing for someone that you love so very much.